Fri, Sun, Wed, Fri, Sun, Tue, Thur, Fri, Sat

We chat till the wee hours of the day.  From FB we moved to MSN then HP.  All in a marathon five hours.  I retired at 5.00am.  I had a meeting at 8.30am which I cannot postpone.  That was almost half a month ago.

We have met many times since then. 

We got straight down to business during our first meet.  You were very direct.  I like that.  No need to beat around the bush.  I told you what I was looking for and you did the same.  You told me what you expected and I did the same.  There was no match. 

BUT.  Yes. Always there is a but. 

You do not believe in love at first sight.  I don't too.  You told me love is blind.  When you fall, all those criteria is thrown out of the window.  It doesn't really matter then.  You told me that you probably would not find that match anyway.  That age and maturity does not sync.  That it shall be hard to find someone who would understand your odd hours.  You then put forth your hypothesis.  I listen intently.

I think you hear me loud and clear.  Some in words and others in gesture.  Anyone who can understand English would.   The gestures were a no brainer.

Financially, you don't like depending on people and you don't want people depending on you.  I like that.  We all need to fend for ourselves anyway.  I buy you all the time so far because it is only right that I do so.  You shall get your chance one day too.   I remember you telling me the first few times that you can afford it too.  I assured you that I have no doubt of that.  My gesture is in no way an indication of your weakness.  I am sure you know I mean what I say.  So you relent and no longer say that anymore.

Time is always stingy to you.  I notice that we always overshoot.  You always miss your appointments after our meet.  Many a times I feel guilty.  I should not hold you up.  So I mark the time when we do meet.  I don't want you to miss what is really more important in this phase of your life.  You seemed unperturbed.  That is surprising.

I think you are keeping an open mind.  For such a direct person, I am sure you would have shown me the red card by now.  So far I have not received even the yellow.  I do not read people well.  But one thing I am sure.  You do not act things up.  Every act and deed seemed to sync and I still do not see any leak to indicate otherwise.

I am just happy to have you around. 

He Showed Up!

I thought it was over.

After reading some of your comments, I thought for safety reasons, I should not have shown my displeasure but just let him off the hook.

This came in recently from him:

Dear Angry,
Send you a picture of me. Hope you like it.

Sorry I seldom go to the gym actually. Do you like my look? I am of course not as good looking as you. Your skin and body and lips hair is a bomb.I fantasies making love with you last night. I actually got a really good masturbation. I want to kiss you too. Suck your cock. How big is it?


Faint!
I rest my case!

Conclusion

These are the last few mails back and forth continued from my last post:

Him:

"Alright than. just answer me one more question. Just tell me your status. I know you are a decent man thus won't be still not attached at all.Sorry I am just too cautious cos I am bitten and I am very lazy to start with someone that I do not have a chance at all. You must be in your thirties and a professional man. ( Judging from your conversation with your client (I guess). I am discreet cos I am working for someone high up. I am also from a good family background except my parents had no time for me at all since I was young. I live alone since I came back from US. Till I met my ex. Now that I chase him out, I am alone again. Thanks for your patience with me. Really I actually go to the gym not that often."

Me:

"My dear, let us meet then talk. I still don't know who u r and I don't talk personal stuff to strangers."

Him:

"Ha Ha HA another un sincere bred. And this is my last mail to you."

Me:

"U actually promised to tell me who u r and give me ur contact after I reply your first mail. Then u change again and again. I felt sorry for what u went through when u told me ur problems. So I replied on Sunday.  I am sorry u felt that I m insincere. I wonder who really is and who started the mail coming without even having the courtesy to reveal himself. What more taking people's email address without permission.  I wish u well n I sincerely hope You would find a good companion. Meanwhile just sit back and enjoy life."

Him:

"You too. I am still very unstable emotionally. Be true to your partner and you will be blessed with a lot of good things in all aspects. If you always cheat and do not want to admit that you had cheated than you are going to get it back onto you in one way or other. I do not know from what back ground you came from and what religion you are in. But one thing in life is that do good things to others and never try to cheat people for their wealth or sex or emotion. You will NEVER FINISH PAYING BACK!!!!!!!! Maybe this LIFE, Maybe NEXT or Maybe Upon your family. Good luck and be happy. Hope to see you secretly in the gym. Ha ha. Sayonara!!!"

Me:

"Well well well. I think u r really sick.  Do see a specialist. I m just trying to help u and this lecture from u. Maybe I should have just let u jump off the building! You are really sick!"

Me again:

"You seem very bitter over things in your life.  You have a right to be.  Please don't take it on me.  I am a passer by whom you have decided to write to.  I do find your last mail very curt and offensive.  Anyhow I wish you well and I hope you will seek help."

Initially after a small discourse with a fellow blogger, I was again not very sure.  But after scrutinizing the time stamp on the mails and the way he wrote, I am very sure he is someone from the gym. 

I feel so sorry for you!!!

Last Chance

I am quite sure by now that he is not the person I suspect who is trying to confirm my orientation.  This guy is real and I must have met him before at the gym.  I think that is pretty much confirmed.

I have not been replying his past few mails. He was still writing.  After reading Savante's comments, I felt a little sorry for this guy.  I certainly hope that he would not do something stupid.  Besides what he wrote reminded me of what happened to myself 4 years ago.  It took me a long while to get over and out of it.

So I decided to write to him.
 "I am still here.  I was busy.  I want you to know that if you need someone to talk to I can listen to what you have to say.  I would not judge you.  That way, maybe, you can let your past come to rest.  You can then move on with your life.  I prefer to talk to you face to face, not in this manner through the mails. You can experience how inconvenient mails are.  You cannot get me and thought that I was angry when in actual fact I was busy.   You already know who I am.  If you think that I am a decent person, let us meet.  Any other things can be discussed then.  I wish you well and a good week ahead." 

Stalker

I thought it would be easy for the person to surface.  After all he wants to get to know me.  He has also asked for some physical activity.  It does not seem to be so.

The mails are getting more personal.  A little intense at times. 

I really do not want to know what happened to your private life or past affairs.  From what you have written, I sensed that you are troubled.  You display some symptoms of bipolar disorder.  I can sense your manic and depressive moods from your mails.  You should seek some help or talk to someone in private and confidence. 

I do not mind being your friend.  I can try help you in whatever way I can.  But it stops here.

Meanwhile I just have to be more careful.

Unsettled Business

I tried to get him to reveal himself the whole of yesterday but to no avail.  I did not reveal my orientation to him.  He may assume since I replied his mail.  I need to know who he is.

This is my reply to his first mail:

"Sure we can get to know each other. Hope to have ur contact. Then we can catch up. I really can't recall who u r. Sorry no offence intended."

His response was:

"Great!!! I will. However I am frank. Are you willing to have casual sex with me? I love to kiss and suck. I live alone near Ikea. If you are free this afternoon I am free cos I am on leave. If you say yes than I will send you my hand phone."

I was really taken aback.  I need to get to the root of this. He must have misinterpreted me.  So I responded:
"Hi thanks for ur frankness. To be fair to me n to show ur sincerity I hope u would reveal urself. U already know me. Thanks"

He is not keeping his end of the bargain.  He was suppose to reveal himself after my first response.  This is what he wrote:

"Sorry, fell asleep just now. Very Bored. Yes, I saw you but do not know what's your preference. I wish I could know a little bit more before I dug myself further. I am serious when it comes to wanting and loving a person. I don't want to be sharing a lover with others cos I've tasted it before and got hurt before. Gay relationships are always complicated. Have you been rejected ? Will you be at the gym tonight? I will reveal myself to you."

My reply:

"I think it's easier to chat on HP than to email back n forth. Hope to have ur contact.  Thanks"

I went to the gym today.  I did not tell him I would be there.  Initially I felt alright.  But I realized that I started getting very cautious and sensitive to the surrounding and the people there.

I started at the treadmill.  Normally I would take at least forty five minutes here.  There was one person who seemed to be at the machine for far too long.  But he was there before me.  So it cannot be him.

At the weight machine a guy smiled at me.  I acknowledge out of courtesy.  I went to another machine and he moved nearby.  Later I saw him at the free weight section.  So it cannot be him.

I soon realized that I was getting a little wacky.  I was not concentrating and my breathing was getting heavy and I certainly was not breathing properly.  I was not in the right frame of mind to workout.  

I got into the changing area, put on the towel and headed towards the steam room.  There were three persons inside.  Two of them were talking to each other.  One was having his underwear on.  So it cannot be these two.  The other sitting nearest to me were almost nude save for some covering at his nether region.  The two friends walked out of the steam.  I was left alone with the other guy.  I was too tired.  I just closed my eyes.  He walked out later.  I don't think he is the one either.

I went to the shower stall and I thought I would rinse myself and go back to the steam room.  I usually do that.  But this time I could not get myself to.  I decided that I have had enough. So I continued my shower.  Someone came into the next stall.  I realized I was observing his shadows on the frosted glass.  Then I heard him speak to his friend in Arabic.  So I felt better.

I got out of the shower stall. There was a guy near my locker who was changing.  He looked way older than 30.  I made sure there was no one else nearby when I changed.  

As I walked to my car I kept a close watch.  I do not want anyone peering at my movements.  I certainly do not want him to know which is my car.  Luckily there is no sticker on my windscreen to indicate where I live.

I am getting flustered.  I need to get to the bottom of this before the weekend is over.  I need to seek this person out.  At least I know how he looks like and keep my distance if need be.  

I do not mind becoming your friend.  At least have the courtesy and decency to reveal yourself.  I feel completely naked and YOU are scaring me shit!

Stalked At Again

I have been solicited recently.  Three incidents in two weeks!  I think they were mild and more of business in nature.  But I cannot confirm.  I am just a normal looking bloke.  I wondered why the fuss.

A few days back I received another usual, " I would like to know you better..." message.  The pattern seemed similar.    The difference is that this one came in through my private email address.  Except for the bloggers I know,  I do not recall giving my email address out to anyone in the fraternity.  I personally do not think there would be an issue letting this group of bloggers have my private email address.

I was curious as to who this person was.  I know my protocols very well.  I wondered how this soul got to my private email address.  Or could it be that someone I know is trying to probe my orientation.  As I was pretty tied up, I just simply told the person I do not recall knowing him.  I asked for his contact so I can verify who he was.  So this mail came in today:
"Remember I spoke to you briefly at the changing room? I am working as a PA. I am sorry I over heard your conversation with your contact where you gave your email address to. sorry about it. That's where you seems stressed and I did not manage to talk to you further. Attracted by your fair skin with nice looking hair. I thought you are Japanese. I am 30 years old and had a stable career. Are you married? Or in any relationship. Let me be frank! I am looking for friends to develop into a relationship. My sexual orientation is clear to you now and I will know that I would have judge you wrong if you do not reply me anymore.I would give you my hp after you reply this mail. I am average looking and fit if you could remember. "

I give him credit for his frankness.  I think my hair sucks.  I wish it would be thicker and not be as soft as a baby's. Thanks for the compliment.

I certainly must be more careful.  I should not simply blab out information in the public.  Obviously people are listening.  I shudder thinking what if it was a credit card verification process.  The other party would have got all my information when I answered the banker on the other side of the line.   Lastly I should just leave work aside before gym.  This has been stressing me out so much that I sometimes am just too tired to start my workout.  It defeats the whole purpose of working out.

I really must be more careful.  This I must remind myself always.

Love, Wealth and Gossips

I had dinner with Legolas today.  After dinner we adjourned to my favourite coffee joint.  The topic of conversation revolved around property, wealth, life partners and gossips.

Savante's going to be in town tomorrow.  He called me today.  For that I shall buy 4D.  He almost never!  Leggie asked if I knew him or Savante first.  According to Savante, my first contact was Leggie and Leggie cannot recall it to be so.  I knew Savante first.  For reasons best known to Savante, he gave me his contact and we chat.  That was four years ago when he was courting Charming Calvin.  Of course we all know now that Charming Cal is Leggie.  You all would recall how Savante wrote so much about his charming prince then.  I met Leggie when he moved into his current place.  We lost contact when he left for Beijing.  We then reconnected last November during my stormy days.  This again was after I asked Savante where his beau was.

So today I popped the question to Leggie.  Don't people gossip about us?  I am sure there must have been lots of gossips.  I had been asked if I was having Leggie for dinner!  If there is no gossip then they would not be themselves, so say Leggie.  A rich one far away and another by the doorstep.  We all had a good laugh.  I know all is said in jest and there is nothing sinister over all those gossips.  All is said in good humor.  I am glad that I did not eat anyone up.  I am no saint but I suppose I do respect people and have grown to use my head instead of my heart.   I am glad my head prevailed because I later found out that their princes are bloggers whom I have come into contact with.

The topic then revolved around my perceived wealth.  I told Leggie if I kick the bucket today, all these would go under.  Leggie then said that I own a few while others are struggling to own one.  The bank owns all of them!  By the way, the value of my car is slightly lower than that of a new proton saga!  I am not wealthy but I just am maybe kiasi.

I shall use this forum to share some thoughts with you all.  Make all the hay while the sunshine lasts.  Do not keep any more than is required in liquid form.  For the many of us who are on our own, we need to build a strong foundation for our old age.  If you do not have enough, start small. That was how I started. Hedge it against inflation.  That way you can ensure that your purchasing power remains intact. Forget about wealth creation if you cannot even ensure that your purchasing power remains protected.   However small that baby step is, it is a step into a better future.  Your boss will pay you enough so you would not quit and you would work just hard enough so you would not get fired.  Let's get real.  I have been on both sides and I know about gst malaysia
Life is Like That! 

Without going into details, we talked about someone I am hoping to get to know better.  I lamented that I shall need to be prepared to get hurt if I let my guard down again.  I am so not sure whether he will respond to my overture.

I wish you would let me get to know you better for a start.  Would you?

So It Works!

I normally do not wear a newly laundered T-Shirt for my gym workout.  It would be one where I have been wearing it for the day.  In this way I do not have so many T-Shirts to launder at the end of the week.  This also reduces the ironing after that.

Today I wore a newly laundered T-Shirt.  The reason for using this piece was because there were some inconspicuous stains after the wash.  I did not realize it.  I only found out after it was ironed.  So I used it for my gym workout today. 

It was a Dri Fit piece.   I have never really tested this material in a gym workout before.  I normally wear it for my casual outings.  So today it was put to test.   My T-Shirt would normally be drenched in sweat after a cardio workout.  It would literally look like a wet towel after forty five minutes on the machine.   Today the sweat on my shirt dried pretty quickly.  There was little sign of sweat.  I must say that I was very comfortable at the gym today. 

So this Dri Fit stuff works.

The Cove

It has been a good six months now since I started blogging.  On a daily basis without fail, I would visit this page.  This is the place where I come to each day to unleash the disappointments within myself.  This is the place where I come to find the peace and solace I badly needed. 

In these pages, I read words of encouragement from some of you.  Some I have met in person. Others I have not.  Some I have chat with.  Amongst them were two persons whom I have met before I even started blogging.  I only realized that they were bloggers much later.  This is also where I posted comments on a blogger without knowing that I have met his Prince in person.  Indeed this is a small world.

I etch here in the annals some of my trying moments .  It was cathartic.  I shall learn from it and become a better person. 

Whilst I rejoice on the good moments, I realise that I shall be tested again and again.  It does not matter how many times we fall but we must get up each time we fall and learn from it.  Life is  full of challenges.  Trials and tribulations are part and parcel of life.  We change what we can and accept what we cannot.

This blog is like a cove where I come in and dock each time the weather gets rough.  The people at the cove, the bloggers, have all been nice.  In this village I discover that life as one of us can just be fine. 

I am discovering and rediscovering myself.  I am sure this self development will serve me well.

Thank you to all of you out there.

Weight Loss

A friend up North asked me how I was doing with my braces.  He himself wore it for a good six years.  He was telling me how I would lose weight. 

I did not lose that much so far.  The Orthodontist has not changed the wires yet.  So far he has just tightened them.  So after a day or two everything is back to normal.  When earlier on I had trouble eating, I have now gotten used to eating with the braces on.

Come to think of it, I did lose some weight.  I lost about three to five kilograms during the first week. to ten days   I noticed that the size of my arms have actually shrunk a bit. My trunk and leg muscles have also gone down.   It does not look good.  I thought it looked like I was a sickly or have been on drugs.  Obviously the lost was more on the muscles than anything else.

At about the same time I had started some weight training.  The body now looks a bit better.   I still have a lot of work to put in if I want to be look toned.  Maybe this time around, the unsightly loss of muscle mass will do the trick.  It will make me put in the consistent effort needed to get what I have always wanted. A toned body.

Work

I have never got it right with this client from day one.  Call it jinxed.  Call it fate.  Call it whatever.  I may not be superstitious.  But one cannot help but note the co-incidences of how things never really went right.  After a hiatus the client gave me an assignment.  I was very cautious.  Maybe this is another trap to catch me off guard and land me in another mess!  I made sure the jinx is broken  this time.  I sent the best.  Never mind the cost.

After completing a job, the client gave me another.    As usual , their dateline was like yesterday or last week.  I now can handle them better.  A long while ago, I use to be jumpy and try to meet their impossible datelines whilst compromising on the protocols.  As a result, when things go wrong like it has happened, I am left at a lurch. Being the nice person, I do not want to implicate their staff.  I will eat the dead cat myself so to speak.  I now make sure that the protocol is followed at all times, at all cost.

I explained to the client the procedures.  Actually, they know it already. But they must always insist on the impossible.  The client has been calling me every day at least twice. Then one night at 10.30pm he called.  Since this person is new, I decided to be fair to him.  I took his call reluctantly.  I explained in great detail what I need to do.  I informed him the time frame I would need.  I cautioned him what was beyond my control. There was no way I could commit to the time frame he was expecting.  He told me to just do my best.  At least he understands.  So it should be fine, so I thought.

The next day at 9.05am, he got his colleague to call me.  The colleague ask what my progress was.  I certainly was not happy.  I thought I just spent half an hour late last night explaining.  I courteously told the person the process and approximately how long it will take.

We were not making progress.  Three days past.  So I told the client what we would be doing if we cannot locate some of the details that we were looking for.  I kept him posted so that he would not be a nuisance later at night.  The twice a day call happened as usual.

We still got no where.  So I told the client what I would be doing tomorrow.  I told him exactly.  The whole process would take a minimum of two days.  At 9.00am the next day, his colleague called to enquire the progress.  I was mad.  I told him off.  I just explained to them the duration I need, and they asked for the results barely 12 hours later.  What kind of nut are these people?

Apparently that was not the end of it.  At 1pm plus, the client called.  I was having my lunch then.  i just snapped.  I told the client to either give me the time or take the job back.  Get another person to do it. I then cut him off.

After lunch, I decided to call the client back.  I thought what I did was not very nice.  He told me he just needed to know the status.  I told him I am not going to explain and report back to him on every minute detail.  I do not intend to tell him when, what and where of every step taken.  Time should better be spent working on the ground to get the required and desired results sought rather than reporting.  I then told him that he was lucky dealing with me.  If he had contacted my colleague, he certainly would be f@&#@ on his face.

Epilogue
This client reminded me of many of us.  When we first started working, we had our ideals and principles which we hold on dearly to.  We worked our butts off.  We try to impress our bosses.  There was zest, enthusiasm and energy.  Slowly but surely it got corroded.  Our ideals and principles were compromised for the sake of survival.  The environment just zapped us up. After a while we do what is necessary to survive.  We pace ourselves so we do not burn out. It would be interesting to find out how the client is doing 5 years down the road.